Faith Wanderings

Last night, a family member and I went through all the 'Kids Storage' at church. We cleaned, tidied and sorted. We used of all of the dozens of storage containers that we bought to make things easy to find and easy to pack away.

All in all, from sorting out creche toys, to books, to craft supplies, it took us around three hours before we were ready to pack up and go home. We moved quickly and with diligent hands I achieved what would normally take days in just hours. I am so thankful that I had willing assistance.

As we finished, so did an event in the Church's auditorium. As we packed the last bits away a Church Elder walked in. He is one of those people who notices everybody and everything and is a strong encourager. After observing our scurry to get finished before someone decided to lock-up the building he said, 'People should know what you do here, eh?"

I responded in the negative telling him that, "It just needed to be done and that if I want for the Children's Ministry leaders to be able to do their jobs effectively."

Of course, afterwards, I was asking myself why I didn't just come out and say that I liked to do things behind the scenes that no-one would normally notice. You see, what this Elder missed is that, at the end of the day, it does not matter who here knows what I do or don't do. It matters to the one person who sees everything - God.

I love to do things that make a difference to others. However, fanfare and hullabaloo about what people have done on any given day are not. For it is so easy to see what some (like Worship Teams) do and miss all the others who set up, pack up, prepare communion, vacuum the floors and clean the toilets. We don't pay anyone to do these things and someone does need to do them. The good news is that God sees those people who willingly volunteers and is made glad by their act of service to Him.

It seems of late that I have been in receipt of a load of compliments for the bits and pieces that I have been up to. In reflection, I do not understand why these compliments are coming in now because I do not believe that I have done anything more, of late, than any other time. Maybe it is just that people are actually noticing for the first time or maybe it is me actually hearing their compliments and taking them for what they are for the first time? I am not sure, either way.

Most of the things that I do are small and fall into insignificance. They are certainly not the feats that are used as testimonies of God's power at the pulpit. They are the small things like writing a roster, wiping down a table, giving a hug to someone who needs it and sharing conversation over a hot drink.

With this spate of compliments I have had to give thought as to how to respond beyond an appreciative,"Thank You". So, tonight I have drawn myself into the Word to look for how I can better articulate what I would like to say to others in response. The passage that brings words to my lips is in Isaiah.

Have you not known? Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable.
He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength.
Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted;

but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
they shall walk and not faint.

- Isaiah 40:28-31 (ESV)

So, if you see me 'just getting on with the job' and are pleased, appreciative or even 'shocked' at how I fit it into my busy life I have something for you to do before paying me a compliment. That thing is to thank the Lord because it is through him that my strength comes and that I may be able to reach out and give with the abundance of life-giving, fresh flowing waters that fill my cup to overflowing. When I bring good to others, know that it is not me but He who lives in me that prompts me to live out His promises.

I know that I, too, give thanks to people regularly for things that they do and I always strive to thank the Lord for them. This week I am committing myself to thanking the Lord for people who make a difference in my days. I invite you to join along with me.

If you do not know how to start then use the words contained in the Word (NIV) to get you started:

First, I thank my God through Jesus Christ for all of you, because.. (as in Romans)

I always thank God for you because.. (as in 1 Corinthians)

Sometimes, though, we are not sure what to be thankful for because it is hard to pinpoint or encapsulate what someone has done for you or what they have done to benefit others. In this case, like me, you may find your self praying in the spirit of the words that are found in 1 Thessalonians:

We always thank God for all of you, mentioning you in our prayers. We continually remember before our God and Father your work produced by faith, your labor prompted by love, and your endurance inspired by hope in our Lord Jesus Christ.
- 1 Thessalonians 1:2-3 (NIV)

In addition to this, it will be my fervent prayer this coming week that the promises in God's Word will be fulfilled in their life as it is in Phillipians also:

And it is my prayer that your love may abound more and more, with knowledge and all discernment, so that you may approve what is excellent, and so be pure and blameless for the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ, to the glory and praise of God.
- Phillipians 1:9-11 (ESV)

Please post a comment if you are committed to join with me in thanking the Lord for others this week so that they may be encouraged in their faith wanderings also.

With love
Proverbs Wife

Many, many years ago I had a friend, Amy, whom I went to primary school with. As a young child she was passionate about her faith and it certainly rubbed off. We lived in a rural area and there were three Churches in the whole town - the Catholic Church, the Anglican Church and the Uniting Church.

Both Amy's immediate and extended family had some doctrinal issues, so instead, they met as a family on Sunday, broke bread and drank wine and shared their faith and studied God's Word. As part of that time, every few weeks Amy, her siblings and her cousins all did courses provided by the Queensland Mailbox Bible Club. Each completed worksheet is posted back for marking and is returned with the next booklet and so forth as you moved through a set of units to complete a course and then move to the next and so forth.

It is inter-denominational which means that it focuses on the 97-98% of biblical truth that those professing the Christian faith agree on. It also takes steps through a basic understanding of salvation, with several options for self-commitment, as well as then leading into Godly choices and evangelism. In more senior years it then looks at establishing a strong knowledge of God's Word and developing their ability to apply it to life.

A few years ago I caught up with Amy's mother to re-discover the program and find that it is running and that you can now sign up online and they will send the first lesson with a parent permission form.

My children are now into their second course and are excited every time an envelope just for them arrives in the mail. This is more novel than ever with the changing face of phone and internet-based communications. For me, getting those letters is more enjoyable than household bills too!

This week I found myself wondering if in my own faith journey I was 'new' or 'improved'. My journey over the last month truly makes me wonder especially as I study Psalm 31 (ESV).

On Good Friday I left a family gathering in tears of hurt. It hurts when you invest much into the lives of others and what you receive in return is insults of your faith, your lifestyle and your interests. I know my blog post about it only covers one of these insults but, believe me, many were slung that day and it was the least 'controversial' one that I wrote about.

I was broken to the point of wanting to exercise some form of self-hate against my body. In the moment of my blog post I fell, hurt, to my knees asking the question which, from time to time, I stupidly ask, "Why me?" Which is what brings me to Psalm 31.

In some versions of the Bible this Psalm is entitled, 'Into your hands I commit my spirit'. And mate, did my spirit need to be in his hands that day as I was making a royal mess of my face - all blotchy and red from too many tears. And it started from verse one:

In you, O Lord, do I take refuge;
let me never be put to shame;
in your righteousness deliver me!

You see, now there is 99% of my problem, right there. David said. "In your righteousness deliver me!" Well, there's a problem, he's asking to be delivered from his situation on God's righteousness and not his own! So, I find that I am forcing myself off my high horse and needing to humble myself.

Of course, that is when the hurt comes rolling back in trying to push me up like a boat on high tide. I weight myself down, telling myself that maybe I should just return to life as it was - spending time with family when it 'suited' them was 'of interest' to them and forget about ever doing anything I want to do - like go to the theatre (as in the one that has live acting), listen to an orchestra, or drink hot chocolate and talk philosophy, or better still, thrash out God's Word¹. But is this right? I am not sure.

Okay, so moving on in the Psalm it says:

I will rejoice and be glad in your steadfast love,
because you have seen my affliction;
you have known the distress of my soul,
and you have not delivered me into the hand of the enemy;
you have set my feet in a broad place.

There is this hymn that I sang at church as a child, that simply went:

"Rejoice in the Lord always, and again I say rejoice!"

I know from my life journey to date how hard it is to do this but I have made an extra effort from the day of this great hurt to make it a priority. In the words of Bonnie Thomas, 'to raise my countenance' so that I can look up to Him. For if, we cannot rejoice and be glad in what he has done for us then what hope do we have for the circumstances of this world.

God knew the situation that hurt me. In fact, he has always known the struggles that come with a family that is dysfunctional in so many ways. He knew how other toxic words about my lifestyle, my faith and my church distressed my soul that day even though I shrugged them off as we sat on the front deck. Words that cut deeper only because they came from the mouth of someone who just ten years ago confessed Jesus as Lord of her life and, yet, has turned her back. Instead, choosing to live a life of self-conflict through wilfully and actively sinning against Him. Into His hands I commit this Sister whom I love for I know God meets me where I am at now and can do the same for you also. I pray that you will turn your face towards God once more some day, preferably soon.

Next though, is something that was not new but had been a while since haunting me. Many would know of the verse in 1 Corinthians, "do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you?" I thought the days where thoughts of self-harm lurked in my life were gone but perhaps I am wrong. Now they have just lowered the high-jump pole from drastic and dangerous thoughts to stupid emotional ones in the hope of luring me back into that habit. Eating myself stupid would have been exactly that - stupid. So I find myself saying, "Thank you God for not delivering me into the hands of my enemy. I hereby claim my body as the property of the Lord and declare that Satan has no place in the functions of my body, in my sleeping, in my eating, in my drinking, in my thoughts or my deeds. Satan, you are banished. Thank you Lord Jesus."

Finally, he sets our feet in a broad place, a place where we can place our feet sturdily to responds to what is thrown our way with optimal positioning and force. I say again, "Thank you Lord, that you are not just Lord of the past, or of the present, but that we can count on you as you prepare us for what is ahead in our future."

Of course, there is far more to Psalm 31 than this. Take the time to read it and meditate on it for yourself!

So, I sit here wondering if my life is any more 'new' or 'improved' since I committed my life to Him. In many ways, yes, that I have been convicted of aspects of my sinful nature that I have been able to make active change to but in plenty of ways, no, because I am still a sinner and fall oh so short of his glory. Thank you, thank you, for the sacrifice of the shedding of your blood for my sin, Lord, past, present and future. I pray that others would come to know of your great sacrifice too.

¹ Which raises a question as to whether such passions are borne of God and whether they should be entertained? If so, then why is there no one in my life to share them with? Please share your thoughts.

In a previous post about PJ Bear's broken radius and ulna I said that there would, no doubt, be more about his lack of pain at the time. We have discovered that our little PJ's high pain threshold explains a lot but raises more questions all at the same time. Thus, making this post. PJ Bear lives in a world without pain, at least, without physical pain.

PJ Bear has always been a risk taker. His very methodical brother pulled off interesting climbing feats as a toddler and preschooler using a logical process of furniture arrangements. His brother watched and copied but lacked the same finesse and often took a fall. He would often cry and we assumed it was out of pain but have now discovered that it is more about the 'shock' of the fall than the sensation of pain in the same way that my 7 week old baby girl will cry when her startle reflex is tested by allowing her torso to drop with gravity.

In hindsight, we should have picked this up much earlier as many, many years ago he was part of a vaccination trial and comment was made then about how well, as a toddler, he managed the process of having blood tests without crying or squirming. If only we knew then what we know now.

It explains his total lack of fear of injury. It explains many incidents including his wilful climbing of the pergola and refusing to get down until I had Dad on the phone so that he could tell him of his achievement. Thank goodness for bribery, that Milo was worth it just for the fact that it lowered my anxiety levels.

So, with the new level of mindfulness that came after the accident we have watched PJ Bear closely and the fact that his pain response is primarily emotional rather than physical has become painfully clear. (Excuse the pun). We are now the proud owners of a referral to a neurologist but have the long wait till October to be able to exchange it for an appointment.

This potentially explains so much of his behavioural issues that we have faced also. One of his compensations seems to be his heightened emotional response to circumstance. Everything in PJ Bear's world is surrounded by triumph or tragedy with no middle ground. For over a year now we thought there was perhaps a sensory (aural) processing disorder meaning that he did not hear all that we said. (This may also still be the case). Nonetheless, his reaction to 'yes' and 'no' responses to his requests are extreme. The other issue is the ineffectual nature of most discipline measures either because physical punishment, such as a smacked hand, is a pointless punishment because there is no significant sensation of feeling associated with it and the emotional response is so extreme that it makes his behaviour worse not better.

But, for those who are fans of 'non-violent parenting' don't be fooled into thinking that non-violent techniques are any better. Due to PJ Bear's emotional sensitivity non-violent consequences are the equivalent cutting him with a knife. Non-violent techniques that we would support in normal circumstances have led to responses such as, 'I hate you,' and, 'Leave me alone. I want to die.' For this, we have been seeing a peadiatric psychologist for some time now, well before PJ Bear's broken arm. Believe me, I am a proponent of non-violent parenting techniques as PJ truly is an exception.

So, where does that land us now?

Well, on Good Friday PJ Bear took a fall off a 1.8 meter high Hills Swing Set onto his back. He cried from the shock and came for a cuddle. We checked his back which showed no bruising at the time and as routine asked if his back hurt to which he said 'no', asked if he hurt anywhere else to which he responded by grabbing the break site of his arm. His memory tells him that this is a place where pain exists or existed though he felt no pain there on this day. So, we reassured him and off he went as normal.

Then yesterday, when changing his shirt after church for lunch a bruise was noticed on his back. Closer examination showed the protrusion of three vertebrae in his lower back when he bends forward. As a result he was taken to hospital[1]. I didn't take him myself, and I am glad I didn't, as I probably would have been quite curt with some of the staff. One staff member commented that, 'It had been a week so it couldn't be that bad'. Now, correct me if I am wrong but I would expect that 99.9% people that turn up conscious at Emergency have pain assessed as part of triage. The location and level of pain is then used as an indication the potential injury and it's severity assisting in the determination of priority for treatment. So, when you present with a child who cannot indicate the location of pain you are in a pickle to begin with.

Later, when my husband commented about PJ's lack of pain, another medical staff member was so brazen to comment, 'Well lepers don't feel pain...' Clearly, this person has no idea of the severity of the injuries that people with leprosy face! My sentiment was shown by the character 'Perry' in Scrubs when asked being stupid question by an intern led to him yelling the question again out loud to all in ear shot followed by, 'Potential doctor people! Potential doctor!'. Except, in this case the person seeing PJ was a Doctor! (Season 9, Episode 9)

So, PJ Bear was dismissed without so much as an x-ray. How very helpful the staff at this hospital were! (Please read the sarcasm in).

This morning I arranged for him to see a physiotherapist tomorrow. The physio is also arranging for a chiropractor, who works in paediatrics, from the practise to also be there for the consultation, if possible. They will arrange x-rays if necessary at the time.

In the mean time, PJ was taken to an appointment with his Orthopaedic Surgeon as a final follow-up visit for his arm. The Surgeon specialises in extremities and does not work in back injuries. When it was mentioned, he took a look anyway, and observed swelling on either side of the bruising. Apparently, our worst case scenario is a fractured vertebrae, which in a child, would naturally heal anyway. I rolled my eyes and responded, "Great!" when dear husband relayed this to me after the appointment.

So, today I find myself in the world of the unknown. We prayed over PJ Bear at Church that he would be filled with a spirit of knowledge of safe and unsafe situations for his body and that he would choose to remove himself from those that were unsafe.
There won't be much more to tell until October at this stage, unless another neurologist puts up their hand to see him sooner.

In the mean time, I am going to do my best to be a calm mother when it comes to PJ's energetic approach to play. I will also try to be accepting of Google's shortfalls as I can only find information about high pain thresholds as associated with Autism, Intrauterine Growth Reduction and Russell-silver Syndrome none of which are a diagnosis for PJ Bear. (For the record, doubling up on acronyms is a problem especially when trying to Google for the full text version of RSS in the medical variety).

I now have a book that I am after, if anyone wants to get it for me for my birthday then that would be awesome! It is called 'The Gift of Pain' by Dr Paul Brand and Phillip Yancey. Anything that can bring perspective between now and October is appreciated.

[1] Said hospital shall remain nameless.